Anonymous asked:

I'm with the FBI and I'm going to have to report your illegal use of reality alteration. You're coming with me.

*sigh*

Alright hotshot. Since stepping into my hotel room is clearly the most recent of a long line of terrible decisions, I’m just going to freeze you in place so we can chat before i do the explanation part of what’s happening to you.

image

Yup… sooooo as this has to be your first time tracking a reality-alterer, let me share a teeny weeny tip. Don’t announce yourself,  goddammit! Your one shot, assuming I don’t trap my surroundings while i take naps (which i do) was to get the drop on me. Hit me while i don’t know you’re there or snipe me from a few blocks away, or something! And I assume if you actually had permission to “bring me in” someone would’ve told you that, or given you a better weapon than -yikes- a single handgun?

Okay, you’ve gotta be a rookie right? First week, looking to make a name for yourself? Well, here’s the nice part…. You’re certainly going to have a name around the water cooler… but it might be banned outside of sub-basement 7.

image

You ever been down there? You even heard of it? Well, to cut it to the short, short version, sub basement 7 is the FBI HQ’s in-house pleasure harem. Well-performing agents get to go in there and work out some excess aggression on some of the agents who have hunted me in the past. And after you leave here, you’re going to WALK the entire way back there, drop to your knees and beg them to throw you in with old Agent Andrews, Agent Simmons, all the previous morons who couldn’t take a hint.

And hopefully, the next agent who thinks coming after me will be a good idea will actually get the warning: hunt Adrian Savage, you get a monologue ,and you get your reality altered, and you get to be your co-workers sex slave for the rest of your career.

image

And i like to freak them out a little more with each new agent I send back, so every one of you FBI whores gets a different little quirk. Yours is that cute little tattoo between your legs! That cute little cartoon heart is gonna be the source of a whole lot of stress for you. Every time someone looks at it, you’re going to feel one of these… a nice little pulse deep inside your hungry cunt. And that pulse is gonna clear your mind for a second and make you totally, unquestionably horny. Just for a sec, but you’ll find they stack up pretty quickly, as you make a scene of yourself …. Especially with those clothes you’re wearing now. Gonna attract a few eyes wearing something like that!

image

Well, off you go then! You’ve got a long walk ahead of you… but hey, I’m not a total monster. If you wanna stay off the street, feel free to hitchhike… Just make sure you pay you with the standard roadhead 😊